This morning for my Quiet Time, for those of you who are not familiar with the term, I am referring to the time I set aside to spend with Jesus either in prayer or reading/studying from His Word. Anyway, this morning I spent the majority of my Quiet Time crying. Just sitting here at my kitchen table sobbing. So many emotions - fear, anxiety, hopelessness, doubt - were running through my heart. The thoughts running through my mind of course produced the feelings.
Some of my thoughts were:
I can't stop from having angry outbursts with my kids.
I'm know I'm going to get angry today and loose my cool.
I owe my kids a calm, level headed Mother. I am not a calm Mother, I am failing. I am destroying my kids. My kids are going to rebel and run away in their teens.
How is God's grace sufficient when I don't see change, when I don't see any difference between me and people who do not believe in Jesus?
What is my life supposed to look like, how is it supposed to be different when I am experiencing the sufficiency of God's grace?
God's not hearing my prayers, I'm too sinful.
I can't get these thought under control, I have to get them under control.
I know what I'm thinking is not right, O, please forgive me Lord.
My thoughts went on and on and on and so did the tears. I can't remember when I stopped crying or why. But I am here at the end of my day to say that the mixed up prayers of a desperate Mom at 6:30am in the morning were answered all day long today. While I did feel frustration at various levels today, I didn't not give in to a destroying angry outburst with either of my kids. I tangibly felt the Lord's peace today several times and even now I have a sense of hope.
Thank you Lord Jesus for picking me up off the floor, drying my tears, giving me respite, and showing me Victory today. I need You so much. I love You.
Cris
3 comments:
hey my good friend cris. thank you for sharing. i feel you. i really do. i feel like that's me, everyday. i 'foresee' the future sometimes and have no relationship with my girls. i know for me, it'a all about control. that's how my household was controlled, or worse. i will pray for you. i love you. would love to see you!!
Wow - I stopped checking your blog and then you post a ton of major life changing things. Thanks for the update. I am glad your dogs have a good home. Have fun house preping...selling is no fun right now.
You and I seem to have some things in common. I am a "reformed" screamer at my kids. I have four children ages 13 to 2. I don't know if I have mellowed, or what, but I would like to think God took hold of me and created in me a new heart like I asked of him. Here's another helpful tip (although silly): I pretend Supernanny has a camera in my house and I try to determine what she would have to say about my parenting skills ...
I also have a, now, 4 1/2 year old who has speech and social delays. In Oklahoma we have a state program called SoonerStart that will provide your child with therapy until they are 3 years old and then they can qualify for a special preschool. Eli started attending the preschool a week after turning 3 and is now getting ready to start regular public school pre-k in the fall. He still has speech therapy, but it did a WORLD of difference. My general advice: just keep with it and cram language in at any opportunity. And, pray!!
Just felt led to leave you a note.
Nicole Taulman
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