Passion?

I went out with some girls tonight and saw the movie "Australia" with Hugh Jackman and Nicole Kidman. I long for dreams, for belief in a cause with that much passion and determination - so much passion that I keep on going through the hardships, against all odds and come out on the other side to blessing.

Should the Christian life be passionate? What should the Christian be passionate about? What if the Christian isn't passionate about "those things," is she still Christian? What if the she is a wimp, gives up and does not persevere? Is there any hope for blessing for her? For me?

My life here, on this earth, is not a happy one. O, don't get me wrong, I do not want for physical things. I have a wonderful husband, I have two amazing boys, a wonderful home, cars, cloths, food, I live in a nice neighborhood, I have great friends, good health, etc. But I am not happy. The only passion I feel is in the area of explosive anger which is usually pointed at my kids.

I am usually frustrated, angry, tired, irritated, bored. I feel shame, regret, hopelessness, defeat, less than, undesirable. Some how my life and what I think the Christian life should be do not show any congruency. I often think, that if by God's grace my boys don't have contempt for me, then they will look back on their mother and see me as a woman tormented - kept away from the woman she wants to be by the woman she really is.

Confounded

So how is it that I feel so hurt, guilty, weighed down and like such a failure after being obedient to God's command to be reconciled to my brother (Matt 5)? I asked for forgiveness from my offense and it was granted in word. Then an onslaught of some truth and other 'stuff' came at me. I'm still trying to sort through it all with the Lord. I want to see the feedback that is true and learn from it, but I want to release myself from the issues of the other.

Of course I will continue to be obedient to the Lord, but after my recent experience in doing so, I really am quite hesitant to examine myself. Can any of you relate? I would love to hear your experiences and how our Lord has lead you through them.

Mealtime Madness

Tonight we had French toast for dinner. Aaron actually ate it, YAY!!!!! I think if I put maple syrup on everything my picky eater will be in full compliance. :o)

Plate licking good!!

Arrrr...I'm a French Toast Pirate!

Ready for some sticky kisses?

It goes without saying that we went from the dinner table directly to the bathtub. What you didn't see was the plate "balanced" on top of Aaron's beautiful head. Of course "balanced" is a joke since it was securely stuck there by the syrup!

Silver and Gold

When I was in Girl Scouts - yes, for 7 years - we sang this song:

"Make new friends, but keep the old. One is Silver and the other's Gold. "

At the time I really didn't know what I was singing, but now I certainly do. I got a brief little email from an old friend. A gal I love dearly, but God has taken our lives in slightly different paths so we don't really get to connect too often. She is Golden, a friendship that has been refined by fire, purified and found to be true and valuable.

Thank you Lord for my Silver and Gold friends.

My Shape

I have to tell you about www.myshape.com. I LOVE this website.

Set up an account, answer some style preference questions and enter in all of your measurements - yea, i know, who wants to see those numbers, but trust me it is worth it - then, MAGIC! You have clothing suggestions fitted just to your size and your body shape.

MyShape has categorized bodies into 7 different shapes and has ShapeMatchTM that makes suggestions for your own personalized shop based not only on your measurements but also those style questions you answered in your account set up. Thus far i have ordered two outfits and 1 dress and have felt like a million bucks in each. I have gotten so many compliments from friends and acquaintances when they've seen me in my MyShape outfits.

Warning: Some of the prices of the designers they feature are really expensive, but once you see the examples of items that fit and flatter you, then you are empowered to go to your local treasure hunting grounds and shop till you drop.

Real Life: This Morning

This morning for my Quiet Time, for those of you who are not familiar with the term, I am referring to the time I set aside to spend with Jesus either in prayer or reading/studying from His Word. Anyway, this morning I spent the majority of my Quiet Time crying. Just sitting here at my kitchen table sobbing. So many emotions - fear, anxiety, hopelessness, doubt - were running through my heart. The thoughts running through my mind of course produced the feelings.

Some of my thoughts were:
I can't stop from having angry outbursts with my kids.
I'm know I'm going to get angry today and loose my cool.
I owe my kids a calm, level headed Mother. I am not a calm Mother, I am failing. I am destroying my kids. My kids are going to rebel and run away in their teens.
How is God's grace sufficient when I don't see change, when I don't see any difference between me and people who do not believe in Jesus?
What is my life supposed to look like, how is it supposed to be different when I am experiencing the sufficiency of God's grace?
God's not hearing my prayers, I'm too sinful.
I can't get these thought under control, I have to get them under control.
I know what I'm thinking is not right, O, please forgive me Lord.

My thoughts went on and on and on and so did the tears. I can't remember when I stopped crying or why. But I am here at the end of my day to say that the mixed up prayers of a desperate Mom at 6:30am in the morning were answered all day long today. While I did feel frustration at various levels today, I didn't not give in to a destroying angry outburst with either of my kids. I tangibly felt the Lord's peace today several times and even now I have a sense of hope.

Thank you Lord Jesus for picking me up off the floor, drying my tears, giving me respite, and showing me Victory today. I need You so much. I love You.

Cris

Update on Kali and Tory

Earlier this year, we sadly relocated our beloved dogs Tory and Kali. Here is an update about how they are getting along with their new owners.
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Tori and Kali are doing great! They have just returned from spending a week at our daughter's home with us and the three kids. Our daughter and her husband went to the Dominican Republic on a missions trip so we went down to Warsaw to stay with our grandchildren. Tori and Kali are so tired from all the fun and play they enjoyed with the kids - they are spending this week just sleeping. Our kids live in the woods so there was lots to explore and be interested in. They both did a lot more barking because there were so many strange noises (some of them inside the house!) But they did great and we are all happy to be back home.

I'm sure that Isaac is still missing Kali. She is such a sweetheart. Just so cute! She has shown some spunk though. She sure likes to "wrestle" with Tori. They do that a couple of times a day. She does have a feisty side. And she is such a rascal about stealing the kong from Tori and then going and sitting with it just to spite her. Everyone who has met the girls have said they like Kali best because she is just so sweet.

I did buy them a little swimming pool for the hot days to come. They have been in it a couple of times and of course, Tori likes that the best. Kali just jumps back out.

Gettng it ready.

We are getting so close to having the house ready to put on the market. The walls have been painted, new carpet installed and there is a bit less in the house. I remember why I first fell in love with the house. This weekend we hope to rearrange furniture. Then comes the hard part, all of the little details. Hanging the pictures, putting curtains back up after cleaning, ironing slip covers and putting them on. Finding places for all the little widgets that we use everyday but that people don't want to see when they view your home. Ug! But, WE CAN DO IT!!! Be praying for me friends as "details" are not my strength. Thanks.

He Qualifies!!!

Praise the Lord!! Aaron qualifies for services from the Lake County Health Department for speech therapy. Today we had a team of folks over to assess Aaron's speech, gross and fine motor skills, social skills, cognitive skills and much more. It turns out that Aaron has a 60% developmental delay in his speech abilities which more than qualifies him for services.

Aaron also seems to have some gross motor skill delay so the health department is sending out a physical therapist to evaluate him. The thought is that he may have a small delay with gross motor skills and they want an assessment done to see how much of a delay he has to determine if Aaron will need physical therapy also. The professionals that were here today do not think that Aaron is too far behind in gross motor but they want to double check. Their assumption is that he will not qualify for services, but that the PT will give Andy and I some suggestions that will help Aaron come up to speed in that area. I'll let you know how the assessment turns out.

A New Home for Kali and Tory

Last Saturday we took Kali and Tory to their new home. They are living with Rene (sounds like gene) and her husband Luke in Goshen, Indiana. Westie Rescue of Missouri and our Lord found the girls the perfect home. Rene is a stay at home mother and wife with an empty nest and a full heart for the Lord and his critters. She was wanting some company and found out about our dear girls.

Andy and I thought it would take a long time to find the girls a new home, but it only took a week. Amazing. And their new family loves the Lord also. Awesome.

Tory waiting for us to get on the road - she loves the car!

Friday night the six of us (adults, kids and dogs) piled in the van around 6:30pm and headed out. Not long into our trip we ran into a wall of rain, lightning and thunder. Driving was slow, but we made it through. We got to the hotel in great time despite the rain, no we didn't speed (really, I already have a few tickets to my name and need to watch it).



Sleeping in the hotel was a challenge as Aaron was not ready to go to bed and was not thrilled with the pack and play, but we managed to make it through. Saturday morning we ate at the hotel and headed to Tory and Kali's new home. Rene and Luke were anxiously awaiting our arrival and marveled at the girls from the get go. We broke out the new toys we bought for the dogs and Tory was in heaven as a ball was tossed for her over and over and over. Tory was oblivious to what was going on, but Kali seemed to know something was up and was a bit hesitant. She eventually warmed up to Rene and Luke and sat on their laps and jumped up on a big cushy chair.

When it was time to go, all went surprisingly well and without much drama. I think I was the one choking back more tears than Andy and Isaac. Rene was very generous and gave each boy a gift bag full of fun toys and snacks for their trip.

Here are the girls with their new Mommy, Rene.

Clean slate

God is so amazing! The very thing we run from, hide from is that which sets us free. Tonight my small group had a night of confession. We each took a few minutes in prayer before the Lord, asking Him to point out to us areas of sin in our lives. Then we each confessed one sin to the group. After the individual was done with their confession, she prayed to the Lord and another woman prayed for her. We went around the group in this way until everyone had two chances to confess.

The Lord says in His word, "Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed. The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much." James 5:16 God was so faithful tonight to show us the fruit of acting on His word. Each woman was healed tonight from guilt and shame. Each woman was made clean and was given a lighter load, one filled with hope.

"Praise the Lord! How blessed am I who fears the Lord, who greatly delights in His commandments." Psalm 112

March 1st

I can't wait for March first!! We have a decorator/staging person coming over to help us get our house ready to sell. She will help us with color choices for the walls and floors, furniture and decor placement and I'm sure much more. We've already gotten quotes for painters and kitchen counter tops. Hopefully we can get the house on the market in April or May, then it is up to God to decide when the house will sell.

Please pray that I will be a grace filled, joyful "lady in waiting" as I wait on the Lord to sell our home.

From the Inside Out

God is working on me from the inside out and this blog is a way for me to share with you what God is doing in my life as well as other misc details and thoughts that I choose to share.

God's work on me is exciting, frustrating and scary. Exciting because I do not want to stay the same. I want to be more like Christ! I want to have a gentle spirit, joy that makes people look twice and wonder, peace beyond my understanding while in the midst of trials and a love for people that I both love and find hard to love. How exciting that Jesus wants to help me accomplish these changes. How merciful that God has already sent the Holy Spirit in me to be my guide, my coach, my personal "spiritual" trainer.

Change however is frustrating and scary. Who really wants to work hard? And when I work hard I want results and change NOW not months or years from now. Who wants to put themselves last while placing God and His will first? What if I don't like God's will or His plans? Who will be my make sure that I don't get taken for granted if I'm not advocating for 'my rights'? Am I guaranteed change for my hard work? And, why, O WHY, do I keep doing the same damaging things over and over and over and over again. "I really want to change, please help me God, make it fast and permanent and painless!"

Ha!!! God is not gonna let that happen, He loves me too much to let me get out from under my sinful habits so easily. If He were to change me quickly and without pain, hard work, prayer, or tears then I would boast in my own ability to change, I would deny God His glory and honor. I would become prideful and judgmental.

Lately God has been speaking to me about my mind. Proverbs 23:7 says, "For as a man thinks in his heart, so is he..." Or as I have recently adapted it, "For as Cris thinks in her heart, so she is." Did you know that I find it very hard to find any sort of joy in my life? I do and I have been this way for years. My mind is constantly full of negative, joy and hope stealing thoughts. I have been thinking things like, "I might as well not hope for good because then I won't be disappointed when it doesn't come." My thoughts have been negative and thus so has my life.

I've been cultivating a negative life, reaping one and then turning around and blaming God or others for it. I have felt trapped with no where to go and then prone to depression spurred on by feelings of hopelessness. I have been experiencing Matthew 8:13 where Jesus says that it will be done to us as we have believed.

So now what? Now I practice being positive in each situation even if whatever is taking place is not so good. And, THEN I prayerfully expect God to bring good out of whatever is happening. I choose to believe that God is earnestly waiting to be gracious to me, to extend me mercy and loving-kindness. I choose to believe that God is looking for people who are waiting on Him, longing for His victory, favor, love, peace and joy so that He may give it to them (Isaiah 30:18).

Father God, I choose to believe that you are with me, that you are cheering me on as I earnestly choose to change my mind, taking captive the negative thoughts that steal my joy and peace. I believe Lord that You are with me and that although the road will be long and my negative thoughts may at times seem to overtake me, You promise that I will not be overwhelmed (Isaiah 43:2). Prompt the Spirit, Father to convict me of each time that I begin to think negatively and show me the way out, the right way to think. ~Amen

Heavy heart

2/9/2008

This week and last I have found my heart heavy and my emotions raw. Tears have been my companion lately. Here is what my heart has been laden with:

My good friend's 2 year old had surgery, not life threatening, but life has been hard for her. Sleepless nights comforting her little one who doesn't understand the pain he is in. When praying for her son with Isaac I had to bite my lip to keep from sobbing. A flood of emotions came bubbling up unexpectedly.

Another good friend is organizing a writing campaign to send encouraging notes to Christians who are persecuted for loving our Lord. When I sat down to write the note, I was so overwhelmed by the pictures in my mind of the persecuted ones, that the words would not come, but the tears welled up. "Give me words to speak, Lord".

I got word last week that a former pastor of mine had a stroke and is in a medically induced coma while the doctors treat him. He has 3 teenaged boys and a fantastic wife who love him and need him so much. There is never a good time to loose a spouse. While he is still alive and things are looking good, the extent of the damage caused by the stroke hasn't been determined yet, since the man is still in the coma. My heart breaks for the possible damage, and prays fervently for his healing and restored health.

My cousin-in-law just found out last week that she has multiple myeloma (cancer of the blood plasma) for which there is no cure, but there are treatments. She is a mother of 4, age 10 to 17.

O, God, my God. There is so much sadness in my heart. O, how I want heaven now. No more tears, no more pain, no more struggle. But you have me here now, for this time, for this moment, for this struggle. What now shall I do with it all? People will die, people will recover, brothers and sisters will be tormented for loving you, how do I make sense of it, without simply pushing it aside with a "O, God will attend to it, attitude?"