I went out with some girls tonight and saw the movie "Australia" with Hugh Jackman and Nicole Kidman. I long for dreams, for belief in a cause with that much passion and determination - so much passion that I keep on going through the hardships, against all odds and come out on the other side to blessing.
Should the Christian life be passionate? What should the Christian be passionate about? What if the Christian isn't passionate about "those things," is she still Christian? What if the she is a wimp, gives up and does not persevere? Is there any hope for blessing for her? For me?
My life here, on this earth, is not a happy one. O, don't get me wrong, I do not want for physical things. I have a wonderful husband, I have two amazing boys, a wonderful home, cars, cloths, food, I live in a nice neighborhood, I have great friends, good health, etc. But I am not happy. The only passion I feel is in the area of explosive anger which is usually pointed at my kids.
I am usually frustrated, angry, tired, irritated, bored. I feel shame, regret, hopelessness, defeat, less than, undesirable. Some how my life and what I think the Christian life should be do not show any congruency. I often think, that if by God's grace my boys don't have contempt for me, then they will look back on their mother and see me as a woman tormented - kept away from the woman she wants to be by the woman she really is.
